Deciding to kill the bad cells with poison

I know a lot of folks are probably curious about our decision to use chemotherapy, even though the cancer was no longer able to be found after my first two surgeries.  This may have been especially unexpected because I am adamant about eating a natural vitamin rich diet, and only taking medications when clearly indicated as beneficial. (Just to give an example:  I take about 10 pills every morning, 3/4 of which are naturally sourced vitamins and supplements.)

The chemotherapy that my oncologist recommended included Cytaxon and Taxotere.  Taxotere is known for causing rapid and complete hair loss.  This type of chemotherapy is so toxic, that nurses who administer it must wear a full body gown to cover their scrubs.  Children are not allowed in the room where it is administered, to prevent exposure that could injure them long term.  I've been asked by a few people if I could have opted out of chemo.  Technically, yes.  Would it have been wise, no! Like I had said in my last post, without further treatment after surgery, I had about a 30 percent chance of cancer reoccurence in the next 10 years (and closer to 40-50 percent over the rest of my life).  I've been reminded, lovingly, that God is not controlled by statistics.  I whole heartedly agree.  I also believe that God can work through scientists and physicians to cure and prevent disease.  He can choose to work within earthly standards and/or supernaturally.  I think that we have a duty to use the knowledge that God has revealed to physicians and scientists, and make the best choices we can with that knowledge.  This includes taking care of our bodies through healthy eating, as well as through medications for treatments.  I am not so naive as to doubt that when its my time to go, God will take me from this world, regardless of statistics or available treatments.  But God has revealed the current treatments to physicians for a reason.  From a scientific medical standpoint, my chances of survival with chemo and long term hormone blocking medication (5-10 years of treatment) are significantly increased than if I chose no further treatment after surgery.  This is even able to be broken down to chemo alone, or hormone blockers alone.  Both of these options would increase my chances of long term survival alone, but work even greater together.  With both chemo and hormone blocking medications my long term chance of reoccurrence is around 17 percent.

So why is the risk of reoccurance decreased with further treatment if the cancer was already gone?  For those of you that don't know, cancer was found in my right sentinel lymph node.  This means that the cancer made it into my blood stream.  It only takes one cancer cell to migrate, implant, and start dividing to cause a reoccurance.  Having had cancer in my lymph node, even though it was small, is more evidence that the cancer was extremely aggressive.  Many people have a larger cancer that doesn't migrate into the lymph nodes/blood stream.  The aggressive nature of the cancer is a factor in determining risk of reoccurance.  My type of cancer was the most aggressive type. This made going through with chemo an easy decision.  You see, when cancer reoccurs it is often more difficult to treat and more life threatening than the original cancer.  Statistically, less aggressive cancers are NOT less likely to occur with chemo treatment, but more aggressive cancers like mine are significantly less likely to return with chemo treatment.

Waiting for my treatment with wet hair!

Thinking about having gone through chemotherapy makes me emotional.  Chemotherapy is the treatment that affected me the most.  I will never be the same, physically or emotionally, because I had chemo.  If I had only had surgery (even though I had 4 surgeries!) this cancer would have been a small blip on the radar.  Going through chemo was life changing.  It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced.  I have never felt so bad, so sick, so tired, so weak and achy. Chemotherapy causes havoc on your digestive system.  I was taking two different anti-diarrhea medications and two different anti- nausea medications around the clock.    I have never felt so alone as I did while undergoing chemo and recovering afterwards.  People don't know what to say, so they often don't come around.  When I was out and about people thought I felt fine, because I looked "fine."  I felt terrible.  I didn't want to complain, but I did want folks to acknowledge that I felt pretty terrible. I didn't have the energy to participate in events the way that I had in the past and my friends went on with life without me.  I don't blame anyone, because its not their fault I couldn't go.  I do think that it should be socially acceptable to be having a hard time, and to be able to admit that things are NOT okay, but still have hope in God's promises.  (This is one reason why I was drawn to my newly acquired position as the Licensed Counselor at the Chronic/Complex clinic at St Joseph's Childrens: to help families grieve.)

Taken a few weeks after my last treatment, with my hair fixed to cover the bald spot.

I only had to have 4 treatments of the "poison" chemotherapy (December- March 2017).  I'm technically still receiving chemotherapy for another 9 months, but it is immunotherapy, which doesn't have the side effects that traditional chemo has.  The immunotherapy has man made antibodies that recognize the protein cell on the outside of the cancer, attaching to it and then causing the cancer cells to self destruct.  I am also receiving cancer vaccines injections that help my body to form its own long term antibodies, should the cancer try to return down the road.   You see, my biggest risk is not in the next 10 years, but rather in the next 20 years.  I also need to take hormone blocking medications for the next 10 years.  These meds cause symptoms that are similar to menopause, but more intense and for 10 years, rather than 2-3 years which is more typical for "the change."  

I wouldn't say that my life is getting back to normal.  It never will.  I need to grieve what I've lost and find a new normal, having hope in Christ, who is the ruler of all things.  It often takes up to two years for chemotherapy patients to gain their energy back.  I won't get back those two years with limited energy while my kids are young.  I can't imagine ever being glad that we had to go through what we have, and what we are currently going through.  Still, I pray that God uses it to refine us.  I can have hope that there is a reason, even if I never understand it on this side of heaven.

Out of hibernation (or is it cryopreservation?)

So much has happened in our family since the last post.  There's no way I could write about all of it in one entry.  For those that don't know, I did go through with chemotherapy.  It was  not an easy decision by any means.  I am a big advocate for natural remedies and looking at the risks vs benefits of everything, weighing carefully (because to only look at the risks would be unwise).  I plan to get more into the details decision making process in a future post.

Yes, I was clear of cancer on the PET scan PRIOR to chemotherapy, just from the two surgeries:  bilateral mastectomy and right auxiliary lymph node removal and dissection.  For those of you that have never been through aggressive reoccurrence prevention cancer treatment (ie never had cancer or had a slow growing cancer with a lower risk of reoccurrence): often times now days a longer treatment schedule is required to prevent the cancer from coming back, than even to get rid of the original cancer.  Its a misconception to think that the hard part is over once the cancer is gone.  Not always, but often times the hardest treatment is yet to come when the cancer is gone (particularly for small but aggressive tumors like mine).  This was the case for me for sure.  You see, I had an extremely aggressive, quickly dividing and very abnormal looking cell cancer.  My risk of reoccurrence of the cancer in the next ten years was 30 percent with no treatment after surgery, with a lifetime risk approaching 40- 50 percent.  This coupled with the fact that often times breast cancer that comes back, makes its next appearance in the lungs or bones (which is much harder to treat) made the risk of avoiding further treatment for prevention too high.   

Typically when this type of aggressive cancer is found it is at stage II or III (or even IV which typically can not be cured).  Mine was at Stage Ib when it was found and Ic (just under stage 2) 4 weeks later when it was removed.  (And the higher the stage the lower the chance of successful treatment, as well as the higher the risk of reoccurrence.)  My nephrologist said that I dodged a big bullet.  My primary care said that I've dodged a lot of big bullets. After he said that, I had a fleeting thought about getting a tattoo representing all the serious illnesses that I've had which are cured or controlled now.  Maybe a flower made out of ribbons for breast cancer, malignant melanoma, heart disease, and kidney disease?  But then again, its not like I beat all these things in my own strength.  I had nothing to do with it. (I didn't get the tattoo fyi.) God has gifted me with a thrilling life, never knowing what's on the next page of my suspenseful story.  I feel like a I'm the good guy in an action movie that is faced with dangerous situations and comes out unscathed by a hair over and over and over. 

Speaking of hair this is a picture of how my hair was "cryopreserved" during chemotherapy.   The type of chemo that I needed usually leaves patients completely bald after 2 treatments.  I needed 4. Lots of people have been curious about the caps.  There are a few brands but I used the "dignicap."  It has been in use for about a decade in Europe, but has only been used in the US in the last couple of years.There is a silicone and a cloth layer.  The silicone layer (underneath), fills with a gel that is below freezing.  The cap has a tube, which is hooked to a machine that continually cools the gel. This actually freezes your hair follicles and keeps them from absorbing the chemotherapy.  The cap must be worn for 1 hour before and 2 hours after treatment.

James getting in the fun.  Alas, no cap for him!

What does it feel like?  Think of wearing an extremely tight swim cap that is strapped under your chin and held as firmly as possible (painfully squeezing the ears).  Then imagine the cap filling with gel that is -20 degrees Fahrenheit.  Then imagine this giving you a continuous "brain freeze" or "icecream headache" that lasts for 5-6 hours while receiving, steroids and antihistamines, nausea medication, and a long chemo chaser.  Now, this cap worked amazingly and I lost minimal hair compared to most patients, so I am not complaining!  I feel so blessed that it was available, but I would never call having the cap on "easy."

This picture shows the first significant hair loss after my first chemo.  After my second treatment the chunks of hair that came out when I brushed my hair increased dramatically.   God has blessed me with a good head of hair, which helped camouflage what was happening, but my hair was (and still is) significantly thinner.

 My father-in-law "Bert" lovingly took a "twinsie" photo with me as my bald spot grew bigger and more difficult to cover.

My hair loss didn't actually get any worse than the photo with Bert.  Though hair is not the most important thing, feeling that I looked somewhat like myself during treatment, and more importantly looking like myself for my kids, was worth every penny of the cost of the caps (which are NOT covered by insurance and I was only able to utilize, due to generosity from my dear friends and family!  I can't thank you enough!)  Cancer treatments can bring families into such a low time, physically and emotionally.  Little things like having hair, can make an extremely difficult time feel not quit as hopeless.

Though the treatment time (5-6 hours every 3 weeks), was time when I got to relax and watch movies, work on journals for my child life practicum, and catch up on emails, it was hard to enjoy that valuable time to get things done and rare time to myself, as I knew three awful days were coming after the chemo (followed by a week of feeling really bad but not quit as awful).  I will write more about why we decided to go forth with chemo and the chemotherapy experience in the next post.  For now know that I am still in treatment every 3 weeks, but with another type of treatment that will last for about another year, which does not have nearly the negative side effects of chemo.  Our family is recovering, emotionally and spiritually. Please pray for my boys and I emotionally, spiritually, and physically, as well as for provision of continued help and support where we need it.  My support system has either moved or is over worked and over tired for the most part.  Supporting someone that has cancer means running multiple marathons.  My friends are worn out.  They have extended so much love, but need to love their families as well (and a few have developed health issues of their own).   My prayer is that by this time next year we will be refreshed, recovered, and find our new normal.  I look forward to having the energy to run marathons of support for others that need it.  We will never be the same just like my body will never be the same.  I can't imagine ever being thankful that it had to be this way on this side of heaven, but I do trust that God will use this to glorify Him, and I am grateful that my family gets to be refined with trials.

My sweet family on Cale's second birthday!  Its so special to celebrate these milestones!

"Clear"

I forcibly told James we needed some selfies to post about the great news today.  I've always felt supported by God and unable to rest in my own strength, but today God give us the gift of great hope. James and I went to my appointment with  Dr. Julia Cogburn at Florida Cancer Specialists in Tampa at 12:30pm this afternoon.   I FINALLY heard the words that we had been hoping and praying for since October 2nd, "Your PET scan is clear of cancer."  I don't think the brevity of the news sunk in until after we left the office.  We were told that the only possibly questionable spot on the PET scan (done on Saturday) was in the area where I had had 9 lymph nodes removed on Tuesday (due to a microscopic cancer found on the sentinel lymph node previously plus the PET scan "spot").  ALL 9 LYMPH NODES WERE 100 PERCENT FREE OF CANCER (even after dissection)!  So, the slightly questionable color in the lymph area on the PET was only due to inflammation from the previous lymph node removal.  This means no skin/tissue damaging radiation is needed!  This makes reconstruction much easier for the surgeon and also makes it a much quicker process.  The skin never heals completely after high dose radiation exposure, so this is great news! 

Also, the cancer genetics showed a 35-40 percent chance of cancer (in the breast or otherwise) recurrence with no further treatment, and less than 14 percent risk of recurrence with only 4 rounds of chemo and 5 years of hormone blockers (which I plan to take them for 10 years which will decrease the risk even more!).  This treatment will not be easy, but will kill precancerous cells in the lymphatic system and in the blood, and will also cut off what feeds my type of cancer in the breast tissue (estrogen).  Not all cancers will respond well to chemo, and not all will respond well to hormone blockers.  Thankfully mine is "beaten up" by both! Though my cancer is considered aggressive, it is moderately aggressive rather than super aggressive, requiring 4 rounds of less toxic chemo, rather than 8 rounds of super toxic chemo!  This is what we have been praying for.  My oncologist is also supportive of vitamin infusions between treatments to keep my body strong, and to keep my kidneys and heart healthy.  (We are in the process of trying to find physicians that perform these infusions for lower costs and/or take insurance for the treatments.)  Though we have a long road with a lot of difficulty ahead, we are joyful in knowing that God has taken care of the cancer in my body!  We are also thankful that He has given my doctors the knowledge of how to prevent it from coming back.  Cancer is not welcome here anymore!  . . . Big God . . . little cancer.   

We cannot thank you enough for your support an encouragement!  God has really blessed us in ways we certainly don't deserve.  Evidence is all around.  Please continue to pray for us as we embark on the chemotherapy journey (as well as treatments to prevent lymphodema)!

PET results and Recovery from Surgery

 

So I'm starting recovery again, and this time there was more pain the first few days but I'm actually starting to feel better more quickly.  I still need to be very easy on my right arm to prevent complications, as 6 lymph nodes were removed on that side. (I'm going to a lymphodema prevention specialist on Tuesday and will find out more about restrictions during recovery about that time.)   I will forever have an increased risk of infection on the right side, and will need to be careful about touching anything that may have bacteria with my right hand (hello cleaning gloves!).  Please join us in praying that there are no complications with having had the nodes removed, especially lymphodema, which is incurable.  Please also join us in praising God that preliminary results show no cancer in the auxiliary lymph nodes!  This is especially miraculous, as my PET results came back CLEAN except for a small spot on the right lymph nodes (which the doctor is now saying was probably just inflammation left over after the other surgery!)  Last time we had a "clear lymph nodes" result at surgery, they found a microscopic cancer in the sentinel lymph node later.  This, combined with the spot on the PET, lead my surgical oncologist to remove all the auxiliary lymph nodes on the right side on levels 1 and 2 (out of 3 levels).  We are praising God for the preliminary results and asking God for a "clear of all visible cancer" result after pathology results come back.  

Jimmy (and Josh) have sweetly worn their "team Jen" shirts a few times, sometimes pulling them out of the dirty laundry saying "I want to wear my punch mom's cancer in the booty shirt!" . . . Love them so much.  Though they can't understand everything, they are interested in learning and understanding as much as they can.  Its so neat seeing them, particularly Jimmy, trust God to care for me.  Jimmy told me today that God healed me from my cancer but I still need medicine keep it from coming back. He also said that God is really the only one that can "beat up" cancer.   So much wisdom from such a young mind.  We are praying that Jimmy is right that the cancer is gone!  We 

will find out more on Friday and Monday about: the PET scan, the oncotype (cancer genetics= aggressive nature of the cancer), and the pathology results from the lymph nodes removed on Tuesday.   Please pray for low aggressiveness, clear lymph nodes in the recent surgery, and clear definitive result of no cancer on the PET scan (now that we have removed and tested lymph nodes in the questionable area).  

Please also pray that I heal quickly from the surgery and am able to start chemo on the scheduled date.  The sweet nurses gave me a heart for my surgery drain (starting over again with that!  :P).  My surgical oncologist reminds me of a caring father, "You're gonna be okay kid."  We are blessed beyond measure with my treatment team (and they all meet together to make sure all the bases are covered!)  Please pray that God guides us in finding and making decisions on reputable IV nutrition from holistic physicians that are willing to work with my hemotology oncologist and is knowledgeable, yet sympathetic to the financial hurdles of cancer patients.

I can't thank you all enough.  For those not on facebook, I wanted to share this recent post I made:

  

To the individual that annonymously blessed us with $100 for my cancer treatment (among so many others who have blessed us with prayers, giftcards, gifts, etc): We cannot thank you enough. We are embarking on a journey, where only conventional medicine is covered by insurance. In addition to chemotherapy, we are hoping I can have nutritional IVs to build up and detox my body, at times when my oncologist says its ok. This seems like a no brainer. My kidneys and heart are already struggling before chemo, so we need to strengthen them as much as possible. This is not covered by insurance and costs $150-$200 per IV, costing upwards of $3000 total. We are using vegetable juicing and essential oils with very high anti-oxident properties to neutralize cancer causing free radicals. This is not covered by insurance, yet taking these steps to strengthen my body yields a 50 percent reduction in cancer re-occurrence. Using caps to save my hair is also not covered by insurance. Thank you kind person, for helping me to stay strong, and in turn helping me to be strong for my kids and my family. We cannot thank you enough! (And in case you didn't catch it, we are thankful for ALL that are sacrificing for us, I am using this as an example. Though we are stretched, we would not even be able to think about some of these treatments if we didn't have help. Thanks for showing us love!)

See this:

Several studies of high-dose vitamin C in patients with cancer have been done in recent years, including the following:

Studies of vitamin C alone

Intravenous (IV) vitamin C was studied in patients with breast cancer who were treated with adjuvant chemotherapy and radiation therapy. The study found that patients who received IV vitamin C had better quality of life and fewer side effects than those who did not.
A study of IV vitamin C and high doses of vitamin C taken by mouth was done in patients with cancer that could not be cured. Vitamin C was shown to be a safe and effective therapy to improve quality of life in these patients, including physical, mental, and emotional functions, symptoms of fatigue, nausea and vomiting, pain, and appetite loss.
Vitamin C has been shown to be safe when given to healthy volunteers and cancer patients at doses up to 1.5 g/kg, while screening out patients with certain risk factors who should avoid vitamin C. Studies have also shown that Vitamin C levels in the blood are higher when taken by IV than when taken by mouth, and last for more than 4 hours.

Unexpected Surgery NEXT WEEK

So I am using the above copyrighted photo as a sample, to show you what I'm talking about when I describe how I need to have surgery in order to have more lymph nodes removed.  There was a spot of malignant cancer (.4mm) on the right sentinal lymph node (normally breast cancer's first lymph node to invade-- you have one-two on both sides).  This is so microscopic that some oncologists don't know whether to count that as a positive or negative lymph node.  My hemotology oncologist (Dr. Julia Cogburn at Florida Cancer Specialists) is concerned that there could be a microscopic dot on another lymph node, since the lymphatic system is connected, and that if not removed it could cause the cancer to be able to metastasize.  My surgical oncologist is very conservative, and skilled (his brother actually started the breast center at MOFFIT, then they opened a private practice together).  He painstakingly takes samples of areas that would make a difference cosmetically, before just removing it all.  He is cognizant of making sure there are more than adequate margins of healthy tissue as well.   Normally when auxillary lymph nodes are removed, all 5 are removed together.  Dr. Cox will remove the next two lymph nodes on the right side only, and if clear, will leave the rest alone. (Please pray that the first two lymph nodes come back clear and that the rest will be left alone!)  Many surgeons would remove all 5, but he would rather painstakingly test each one, and then take more only if needed, so that I can minimize my risk of lymphodema (long term swelling in the arm that can be difficult to treat).  This, I thank him for!  I thank God for my combination of physicians that are so caring for my well-being, physically and emotionally.  I will also have a port placed on the right side of my chest during the same surgery to keep my veins healthy during chemotherapy infusions (an implant under the skin that will later be removed).  Yay for two implants!  At least I'll have one on each side now.  Haa!  (Actually please pray that I adjust to it quickly and that it causes minimal scaring.  The number of scars on my body is getting ridiculous.  I look forward to having no scars in heaven someday.)

So my husband actually has a procedure on the 28th, and has no vacation days left, except one for the 28th (he used the other ones for my first surgery).  A sweet friend of mine has offered to go to the surgery with me.  What an outpouring of love!  You know who you are, thank you!  And, if any of my dear friends have to face surgery alone, please let me come be with you.  I would like to "pay it forward" the comfort of just having someone to pray with and "be there."

On that note, I have been researching Vitamin infusions to help if any of you know a good physician in the Tampa area that does infusions, to remove toxins and boost immune system for cancer patients, let me know.  I've found a couple, but time is short and I need to move quickly cause chemo starts before Christmas!  On that note, please pray that the oncotype report comes back as moderate or low aggressiveness.  We know that the cancer is not super low aggression, which is why I need at least some chemotherapy, but right now I only need 4 rounds of less toxic chemo, instead of 8 rounds of super toxic chemo, which could have longer lasting effects on my body.   The more toxic chemo regimen is required if the cancer comes back as super aggressive.  Thanks for your prayers!

A lot of people have said that I'm dealing with a lot.  Yeah, ok, its a lot.  I'm not specially equipped for hardship (that I can tell), I'm not strong.  I just know God has my back. I didn't pick cancer, but I am confident that God allowed it in my life for a reason.   And He has my family's back to.  Do I have moments of weakness?  ohh yeah, we all do,   But usually I'm just like this <3:

3 Weeks after surgery: Chemo or Not to Chemo

So its 3 weeks post surgery.  Pathology results have come back so I thought that I should share them (because my sweet friends keep asking.)  Honestly I wasn't ready to talk about the results at first.  Though stage 1 cancer, it has had lymph node involvement (which we did not expect) and is very aggressive (with a higher risk of re-occurrence than the doctors are comfortable with not doing more treatment).   The tumor in the right breast had grown from 1.2 cm to 1.5 cm in length, in a matter of 4 weeks (so now stage 1c, rather than 1b). There was also 5cm of  DCIS (basically cancer in the milk ducts that hasn't created tumors and is contained in the ducts), also in the right breast.   The lymph node involvement, as well as the aggressive nature of the cancer means that we and my doctors need to be prudent in making sure to kill any cells that may have "escaped" into the blood stream or into the lymphatic system.  This means at least 4 rounds of chemotherapy., and possible radiation of the remaining lymph nodes (but we hope this will not be needed).  Now, I would say that I like to use a combination of western and holistic medicine.  I think an awareness of both, and how God has revealed things to both types of physicians and health scientists is important.  So, I'm working on gathering essential oils, doing research on a better juicer, signing up for accupuncture, and researching cold caps for the hair (basically cryogenic freezing so that it comes "alive" again after each chemo session without having been damaged).  All of these things will be used along with shots to boost my white blood cells and immune system!  Check out before and afters for using the "chemo cold caps" to save hair!

Honestly, I count it as a miracle that folks at the Florida Cancer Specialist Center use these scalp freezing caps frequently and can help me!  These caps are NOT well known and sadly some cancer patients don't even know they have the options.  Jimmy was really worried that I might lose my hair.  I don't want to stress him more than I need to (and wigs ARE NOT CHEAP!)  So if you know anyone that will be having chemo, let them know about the cold caps!  I understand if people decide that its not worth it, but they should at least have the choice :). 

Hair aside, I have to admit that I was very stressed the first few days after learning that I would probably require chemotherapy.  My biggest fear was needing chemo, and being told I couldn't have it because of my heart and kidney disease.  But I'm only 35.  We need to fight aggressively to prevent recurrence, because being this young, along with the aggressive nature of my cancer, does not hold a good prognosis without more treatment for me.  I had a few moments of "God what are you doing?" But I came to the realization that the fact that I can have chemo, and that my cells are easily recognized by chemo as abnormal, is really a blessing.  Some folks have a type of cancer that chemo is less effective against because they look more like normal cells.  The more things that we can throw at the disease to make sure it is gone, as well as keep my immune system strong, the better.  

What to pray:   Please join us in praying that the testing that my hematology oncologist performed to determine a more precise aggressiveness rating for the cancer will come back as moderate or low and not high.  If the rating comes back as high it is likely that I will need a longer and more toxic chemo regimen which may be hard on my heart, which already has enough problems.  Please pray that the doctors will make the right decisions regarding radiation.  Obviously I don't want to have cancer, but radiation also damages skin and will make any reconstruction efforts more difficult.  My surgical oncologist does not want to remove the rest of my lymph nodes because the "dot" that he found on the sentinal lymph node was so small that it is very unlikely that there would be cancer anywhere else in the lymphatic system.  So, he does not want to remove the rest of my lymph nodes to check and potentially cause swelling (lymphodema).  For this reason, I may need to have the remaining lymph nodes radiated. Please pray that I will not be too sick or tired, that my children will be well taken care of, and that James will be well taken care of.  Ultimately we pray and trust that God will heal me. I look forward to being cancer free!  

On a less vital (but painful) note, I still have had to keep the surgery drains in (going on week 3!) because my body is creating a lot more fluid than the plastic surgeon is comfortable with.  Please pray that my body heals quickly and well with no infection.  On that note, chemo also drastically increases your risk of infection so please pray that I do not get sick (and please kindly stay in your home if you or your kids are sick as common courtesy . . . you never know when someone might have a compromised immune system.  Their life might depend on you being courteous to them by not knowingly exposing them to germs).

James and I are so thankful that everything has been healing well.  Look!  In a dress you can pin the surgery drains to the inside and no one is the wiser (until they see you moving like a stiff puppet with a stick up its shirt :p.   I got to go with James to his Christmas work party which was amazing.  His coworkers have been such an encouragement to us in various ways.  I can't thank them enough.   

Then I got to go to the TBPC Christmas Brunch with this beauty!  My mum has been such a blessing to us the last week, and we get to keep her til Saturday (along with my sister Rosie).  Its been fun being "normal."  Honestly at times the appointments, drug lists, and various tasks related to having this disease are daunting in and of themselves.  Though I'm in pain and still having trouble sleeping at night, being able to breathe in pockets of "normal" at times is such a gift!  Thank you God!

ps  I have had a few friends ask how to help with my "keep Jen's hair" fund.  Hair saving is not covered by insurance and costs a few thousand dollars.    Here is the link if interested:  click here

10 days after surgery

Praise God we made it to the worship service this morning!  (albeit 40 minutes late because James seemed to think he could wash my hair, blow dry it, and have me slowly get dressed in a way that doesn't injure me all before getting himself ready, in a matter of 10 minutes)   As much as I complain, James has really been such a blessing to me in so many ways.   He's been my nurse, which allowed me to come home from the hospital and be with my boys.  He sterilizes my skin, brushes my hair, changes my dressings, and drains fluid coming out of the tubes in my sides.  Yes, I still have drains coming out of the skin under my arms, and these are quite painful, but I don't think that the pain gets worse with activity.   Thankfully my chest is only slightly sore if I remember to keep my arms down ( I did accidently lift Cale yesterday and was left with a large yellow-gray bruise . . . don't tell my mum or she'll give me the angry eye!)  My under arms hurt more intensely than anywhere else.  This is good in some ways because it reminds me not to lift my arms (and babies!)  The skin looks healthy which is great because necrosis (skin death) is quit common. 

The picture above is from our Thanksgiving festivities at Aunt Kathleen Barber's home.  I look fairly normal but this was a 2 hour labor of love between my friend Rebecca and James to get my hair done and get me dressed.  We have much to be Thankful for is true, but at the same time I wouldn't necessarily say that we have more to be thankful for now than normally.  We have a new nephew, LEVI, which is awesome!  But ultimately we never deserve anything that we have.  God is always good. We can never be thankful enough.

 I couldn't resist sharing this picture of my sister Mel and I because she is just cute and I love having her as our new roommate in our home.  (She moved in a few weeks ago as her parents are going to be moving out of the country to SHARE CHRIST in Columbia.)

 We are still awaiting the pathology results, and as we wait I've been researching risks and benefits of various ongoing cancer treatment regimens (even though the doctor's already feel that the cancer is gone, even if they are correct (which we are praying they are) I am at drastically increased risk of reoccurrence vs. the general population). Because of this there are preventative chemo regimens as well as long term hormone blocker therapy, both of each increase survival rates for cancer survivors.  But, this is not without the possibility of tremendous side effects.  We are praying that chemo of any kind will not be recommended.  This is normally the case if the cancer was hormone fed, slow moving, slow growing, stage 1, and not in the lymph nodes.  We have already checked off some of these criteria!  We are also praying that whatever is recommended medication-wise, that we will have confidence in our decisions and that the doctors give us all options and recommendations with God given wisdom.  It doesn't seem to make sense to tear down your body in order to prevent cancer.  Please pray for us.  I'm still praying that if its God's will, they will find NO cancer in the removed tissue, nor anywhere else in my body.  (We will have a PET scan to check the rest of my body for cancer cells in the next few months.)  God can do amazing things, but I know He loves me regardless. 


So we have some incredible friends that have helped us with the kids, which is more needed than I anticipated.  James has been home with me but over the weekend he realized he was having a difficult time being mom and dad (which definitely made me feel loved). Our house is a bit of a disaster.  I did try to pick up toys while keeping my arms by my sides and had some success.  So, our friends the Wysses (amoung many who have helped with the kids) took the kids this afternoon so that James could run some errands.  Having a wife that you can't leave with the kids definitely makes replacing a broken dryer more of a chore!  (Yes, he did it this afternoon!)    We also took the opportunity to go to together lunch due to being kidless:

As you can see we are doing quit well . . . . <3

Prayer:  Please praise God with us that surgery and healing have gone well thus far.  Please pray for doctors, pathology results, and our decisions as we move forward with further treatment/cancer prevention.  Particularly please pray that no chemo is recommended and that less toxic options are available to me.  Please pray for strength for my kidneys.  Please pray for strength for James and my relationship as we grow weary with dealing with medical issues and pain.  Praise God for his provision for us in so many ways!