Deciding to kill the bad cells with poison

I know a lot of folks are probably curious about our decision to use chemotherapy, even though the cancer was no longer able to be found after my first two surgeries.  This may have been especially unexpected because I am adamant about eating a natural vitamin rich diet, and only taking medications when clearly indicated as beneficial. (Just to give an example:  I take about 10 pills every morning, 3/4 of which are naturally sourced vitamins and supplements.)

The chemotherapy that my oncologist recommended included Cytaxon and Taxotere.  Taxotere is known for causing rapid and complete hair loss.  This type of chemotherapy is so toxic, that nurses who administer it must wear a full body gown to cover their scrubs.  Children are not allowed in the room where it is administered, to prevent exposure that could injure them long term.  I've been asked by a few people if I could have opted out of chemo.  Technically, yes.  Would it have been wise, no! Like I had said in my last post, without further treatment after surgery, I had about a 30 percent chance of cancer reoccurence in the next 10 years (and closer to 40-50 percent over the rest of my life).  I've been reminded, lovingly, that God is not controlled by statistics.  I whole heartedly agree.  I also believe that God can work through scientists and physicians to cure and prevent disease.  He can choose to work within earthly standards and/or supernaturally.  I think that we have a duty to use the knowledge that God has revealed to physicians and scientists, and make the best choices we can with that knowledge.  This includes taking care of our bodies through healthy eating, as well as through medications for treatments.  I am not so naive as to doubt that when its my time to go, God will take me from this world, regardless of statistics or available treatments.  But God has revealed the current treatments to physicians for a reason.  From a scientific medical standpoint, my chances of survival with chemo and long term hormone blocking medication (5-10 years of treatment) are significantly increased than if I chose no further treatment after surgery.  This is even able to be broken down to chemo alone, or hormone blockers alone.  Both of these options would increase my chances of long term survival alone, but work even greater together.  With both chemo and hormone blocking medications my long term chance of reoccurrence is around 17 percent.

So why is the risk of reoccurance decreased with further treatment if the cancer was already gone?  For those of you that don't know, cancer was found in my right sentinel lymph node.  This means that the cancer made it into my blood stream.  It only takes one cancer cell to migrate, implant, and start dividing to cause a reoccurance.  Having had cancer in my lymph node, even though it was small, is more evidence that the cancer was extremely aggressive.  Many people have a larger cancer that doesn't migrate into the lymph nodes/blood stream.  The aggressive nature of the cancer is a factor in determining risk of reoccurance.  My type of cancer was the most aggressive type. This made going through with chemo an easy decision.  You see, when cancer reoccurs it is often more difficult to treat and more life threatening than the original cancer.  Statistically, less aggressive cancers are NOT less likely to occur with chemo treatment, but more aggressive cancers like mine are significantly less likely to return with chemo treatment.

Waiting for my treatment with wet hair!

Thinking about having gone through chemotherapy makes me emotional.  Chemotherapy is the treatment that affected me the most.  I will never be the same, physically or emotionally, because I had chemo.  If I had only had surgery (even though I had 4 surgeries!) this cancer would have been a small blip on the radar.  Going through chemo was life changing.  It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced.  I have never felt so bad, so sick, so tired, so weak and achy. Chemotherapy causes havoc on your digestive system.  I was taking two different anti-diarrhea medications and two different anti- nausea medications around the clock.    I have never felt so alone as I did while undergoing chemo and recovering afterwards.  People don't know what to say, so they often don't come around.  When I was out and about people thought I felt fine, because I looked "fine."  I felt terrible.  I didn't want to complain, but I did want folks to acknowledge that I felt pretty terrible. I didn't have the energy to participate in events the way that I had in the past and my friends went on with life without me.  I don't blame anyone, because its not their fault I couldn't go.  I do think that it should be socially acceptable to be having a hard time, and to be able to admit that things are NOT okay, but still have hope in God's promises.  (This is one reason why I was drawn to my newly acquired position as the Licensed Counselor at the Chronic/Complex clinic at St Joseph's Childrens: to help families grieve.)

Taken a few weeks after my last treatment, with my hair fixed to cover the bald spot.

I only had to have 4 treatments of the "poison" chemotherapy (December- March 2017).  I'm technically still receiving chemotherapy for another 9 months, but it is immunotherapy, which doesn't have the side effects that traditional chemo has.  The immunotherapy has man made antibodies that recognize the protein cell on the outside of the cancer, attaching to it and then causing the cancer cells to self destruct.  I am also receiving cancer vaccines injections that help my body to form its own long term antibodies, should the cancer try to return down the road.   You see, my biggest risk is not in the next 10 years, but rather in the next 20 years.  I also need to take hormone blocking medications for the next 10 years.  These meds cause symptoms that are similar to menopause, but more intense and for 10 years, rather than 2-3 years which is more typical for "the change."  

I wouldn't say that my life is getting back to normal.  It never will.  I need to grieve what I've lost and find a new normal, having hope in Christ, who is the ruler of all things.  It often takes up to two years for chemotherapy patients to gain their energy back.  I won't get back those two years with limited energy while my kids are young.  I can't imagine ever being glad that we had to go through what we have, and what we are currently going through.  Still, I pray that God uses it to refine us.  I can have hope that there is a reason, even if I never understand it on this side of heaven.